The Last Few Days...
... have been kind of tough going, but I'm hanging in there.
You may notice this blog and my posts on SN are kind of "normal"... maybe even with a giggle or two thrown in... and maybe you think that's callous, I don't know...
The simple fact is that the only way I can keep going IS to keep going. I came to work on Tuesday morning for a couple of hours, and then I returned to work yesterday after Dad's funeral on Thursday... and I came in today at 8am even though the boss told me I didn't have to, and we'd close if I wanted (he's away for the weekend). I have to stay strong, because if I give in to how I'm feeling, I'll start doing stupid things again (long-term and regular readers will know what I mean).
So, what have the last few days been like? They've been difficult... The funeral on Thursday was lovely (so far as a funeral can be), and the service was a celebration of Dad's life and how much he loved his children. But, for me, it could have been anyone in that pine box... maybe that's how I got through it, I don't know... shutting off my emotions and kind of going into "safe mode" (to use a computer analogy).
Death's a funny thing - everyone starts walking on eggshells, including those who've been bereaved. For example, several people who only know me in passing, or who haven't heard about my Dad have asked me in the last few days "What like?" or "So, you up to anything exciting?" Rather than saying "Well, I buried my Dad 2 days ago", I find myself saying "I'm okay, thanks" or "No, nothing much exciting at all"... all because I know that they'd feel really awkward for asking a question like that if I told the truth.
And then people who do know, don't really know what to say... don't know how to behave around me... apart from a few friends (you know who you are) who supported and hugged me (albeit sometimes virtually); the Sausages (thank you all for the kind words and love); and the boss & flunky, who asked "How are you doing?" and then left alone, and carried on as normal... joking with me, and basically not treating me like a china doll that's going to shatter into pieces at any moment.
Because after all, I've got a lot to be thankful for... My Dad loved me... I've never doubted that in my life, and a love that strong I'm sure survives death. I know he's still looking after me. And he wouldn't want me to give up and go to pieces.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but I hope it tells you a bit about me...
You may notice this blog and my posts on SN are kind of "normal"... maybe even with a giggle or two thrown in... and maybe you think that's callous, I don't know...
The simple fact is that the only way I can keep going IS to keep going. I came to work on Tuesday morning for a couple of hours, and then I returned to work yesterday after Dad's funeral on Thursday... and I came in today at 8am even though the boss told me I didn't have to, and we'd close if I wanted (he's away for the weekend). I have to stay strong, because if I give in to how I'm feeling, I'll start doing stupid things again (long-term and regular readers will know what I mean).
So, what have the last few days been like? They've been difficult... The funeral on Thursday was lovely (so far as a funeral can be), and the service was a celebration of Dad's life and how much he loved his children. But, for me, it could have been anyone in that pine box... maybe that's how I got through it, I don't know... shutting off my emotions and kind of going into "safe mode" (to use a computer analogy).
Death's a funny thing - everyone starts walking on eggshells, including those who've been bereaved. For example, several people who only know me in passing, or who haven't heard about my Dad have asked me in the last few days "What like?" or "So, you up to anything exciting?" Rather than saying "Well, I buried my Dad 2 days ago", I find myself saying "I'm okay, thanks" or "No, nothing much exciting at all"... all because I know that they'd feel really awkward for asking a question like that if I told the truth.
And then people who do know, don't really know what to say... don't know how to behave around me... apart from a few friends (you know who you are) who supported and hugged me (albeit sometimes virtually); the Sausages (thank you all for the kind words and love); and the boss & flunky, who asked "How are you doing?" and then left alone, and carried on as normal... joking with me, and basically not treating me like a china doll that's going to shatter into pieces at any moment.
Because after all, I've got a lot to be thankful for... My Dad loved me... I've never doubted that in my life, and a love that strong I'm sure survives death. I know he's still looking after me. And he wouldn't want me to give up and go to pieces.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but I hope it tells you a bit about me...
2 comments:
I think you are mentally in shock and it's the mind/heart's/soul's way of protecting itself. It's not anything that you can control yourself it's your internal way of dealing with it. It will come out on it's own terms. But when it's here we will be here for you, and don;t forget like Rabbit said there's CRUSE as well.
There will be big changes ahead for you soon...Just one thing that might be good, go get yourself a little houseplant, something living that you can nurture. Something in memory.
Ally you'll find your way through this i'm sure..
i'm glad to hear boss & flunky are treating you normal..i'm sure they do feel for you..but sometimes being treated like you were before is the best thing i think..not everyone thinks like that though..
i would never think of anyone being callous for having a giggle or two Ally..the unfortunate thing about death is life still goes on and we find our own ways of coping some giggle some cry and some well lets not even go there..it's nice to still giggle especially if your remembering something funny about the person you've just lost..i'm sure the happy memories can out weigh the sad ones everytime..
take care Ally
xox
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