The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 24

No, really... it IS Christmas Eve... honestly!

And my final picture represents a familiar pastime for Christmas Eve... Trying to speed-defrost the turkey!

There's bound to be folk all over the turkey-eating world with their still-frozen bird sitting in the bath of hot water... or with a hairdryer rammed up its arse on full heat!

And then Christmas Day there will be families sitting down to tinned stew with all the trimmings because their turkey's still a semi-frozen lump.

Oh, and Cheeky... I want me chocolate back!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 23

Ah, Christmas... What would it be without a barney or six?

The possibilities for conflict are endless...

Dinner round the in-laws' house... They barely tolerate you, criticise the way you bring up their darling grandchildren, make remarks all day about how they "just happened to meet" that "lovely" boy or girl that their son or daughter was engaged to before you - and they're single again, won't let you wash the dishes in case you "break something again" - and then moan about how you're "so lazy and never did a damn thing to help"...

The kids... They fight over who got the best toys, and then break each others' things "accidentally"...

Husband & Wife... He drinks all day, she can't cook like his mother, there's the "Why can't you make an effort to get along with my mother?" arguement...

These sound familiar?

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 22

What's on telly over Christmas? Bloody repeats, that's what!

There's bound to be some or all of the following:

The Two Ronnies
Morecambe & Wise
Only Fools & Horses
The Great Escape
Scrooged
The Vicar Of Dibley
The Sound Of Music

It almost makes the annual "Monopoly" battle seem attractive... or just falling asleep after dinner...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 21

Three dreaded words - *Batteries Not Included* !

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 20

The scourge of many a family Christmas - Monopoly!

Midway through the afternoon, someone will moan about the rubbish on telly, and the dreaded words "Why don't we play a game?" will escape their lips.

And you know that an hour later, some or all of the following will have happened:

1. You'll open the box and discover some bits are missing, and you'll remember that the dog ate the dice last year.
2. The first arguement will be over who gets to be the Scottie Dog.
3. Auntie Jean will keep forgetting the rules.
4. The next arguement is over who's the banker. (The stupid bugger who suggested you play the game in the first place is the biggest banker of the lot!).
5. Someone will keep wandering off to watch something on TV and you'll have to take their turn for them.
6. The dog will eat a hotel and be sick in the corner.
7. The game will end when someone throws a huge strop when they're made bankrupt, kicking the coffee table and sending the board flying in the air, scattering all the pieces all over the floor.

Don't do it to yourselves, people... watch the telly instead!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 19

The diet / pigout / diet routine over Christmas!

First of all you start about October, and there's the crash diet to fit into that little black dress for the Christmas parties.

Then, looking foxy and gorgeous, you stuff yourself full of turkey, Christmas pud, mincemeat pies, cakes, sweets, party nibbles, and so on... "because it's Christmas".

Then, after New Year, there's the New Year's resolution diet to shift it all again!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 18

Had a little experience of this yesterday whilst attempting to do Christmas shopping (yes, that is a bit last minute, but I'm too skint to buy for many people this year... so only those folks who are very, very, very special to me (you know who you are) are getting a pressie this year) - the dreaded CROWDS...

Now, imagine... Orkney's streets are pretty narrow... and our shops are mainly fairly small... so imagine trying to fit a couple of hundred desperate shoppers in that confined space... not to mention the fact that the street isn't pedestrianised, so you're likely to get mown down by a boy racer as you struggle with your 20 bags of shopping!

Never mind, 2 weeks and it'll all be over...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 17

Ahh... the wonderful smell of a real tree... which looks beautiful for 2 days and then *FLOOMPH* all the needles drop off, and you end up with a twig... and spend the next 3 weeks hoovering up pine needles!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 16

Winter - Season of snow & ice & sliding & broken bones!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 15

Urgh... the desperate minger armed with the mistletoe!

Resistance is futile!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 14

The annual snooze-fest that is The Queen's Christmas Address...

But the oldies always want to watch it... so you prod Granny & Grandad awake from their sherry-induced snoring, assemble all the family in front of the telly and listen to HRH (if you can hear her over Granny saying "My, doesn't she look lovely?" the kids bleating that they're bored and can't they watch the film on the other side instead, and Grandad snoring again).

This year has got to include all about her Diamond Wedding, hasn't it?

And, of course, there was always the infamous "Annus Horribilus", wasn't there?

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 13

Knickers!

Given to women as Christmas presents, and they fall into two camps...

The ones you get from a husband / partner, which are cut down to here, up to there, and consist of a strip of scratchy nylon lace with a bow or two...

And the ones you get from your mother / granny - passion killers that tie in a reef knot below you chin, reach down to your knees, are made out of the same fabric as soldiers' flak jackets (in a horrid shade of grey) and you need a crowbar to get into...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 12

Every year you do it... You buy a turkey that could feed a batallion of soldiers for 6 months, and you end up with turkey leftovers for months to come...

Let's see... You have:

Christmas Day - Roast turkey and all the trimmings, then turkey sandwiches later...
Boxing Day - Cold turkey with all the trimmings re-heated...
27th December - Sweet & sour turkey, then sandwiches
28th December - Turkey curry, then sandwiches
29th December - Turkey stew, then sandwiches
30th December - Turkey fricasse, then sandwiches
31st December - you finally start using off the other breast of the turkey...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 11th

Yep, today's major humbug about Christmas is the fact that as soon as November strikes every shop seems to raise all their prices about 600% - meaning that it costs you a not-so-small fortune to buy presents for everyone...

So, when Christmas Day arrives you've accumulated the National Debt of a small country... the moths in your wallet have died of starvation... and your credit card is nothing but a small pool of molten plastic gloop...

And then comes the Boxing Day sales - where things you spent £50 on 2 days ago, are suddenly reduced to a quid!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 10th

I can only hope that the person who invented CHARADES died a horrible (and probably theatrically over-the-top) death...

Yep, the mime game is the scourge of every family Christmas get-together... which always ends in an arguement along the lines of "How the hell did you not know I was doing "The Origin Of Species" by Charles Darwin...? Come on... It was so obvious!"

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 9th...

That horrible, horrible festive muzak that they start playing in every shopping centre about the middle of September.

I'm sure they all use the same compilation CD, you know... In theory, it's probably possible to go into every shop on your local high street and hear nothing but "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day"...

Well, I don't...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 8th

Urgh... The Office Party!

We all know how these go, don't we? You get pissed, do something embarrassing, and end up being whispered about for the next few months... and it's still being talked about 8 years later!

It's usually at least one of the following options... if you're really unfortunate, more than one... and if you can answer to more than 3, then you really should think about a job change...

- You get drunk (most start off like this) and tell the boss what you really think of him / her.
- Girls, you get drunk and cop off with Spotty Herbert from Accounting... who spends the next 2 months following you around like a lovesick puppy...
- Guys, you get drunk and make a pass at your foxy boss... who drags you into the stationery cupboard for a quickie - and then fires you the first day back after New Year.
- You get drunk, photocopy your boobs, autograph the pictures and pass them out to the blokes as your Christmas card... and spend the next month cringing every time you see your bits pinned up in someone's cubicle...
- You get drunk, get into a bitchfight with Jane from Personnel coz you saw her "eyeing up" your fella, and then mysteriously find yourself transferred to the company's John O'Groats' branch.
- You get drunk and throw up on the boss' shoes.

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 7th...

Today's holiday horror are those people who try to cram every spare frigging centimetre of their house exterior and garden with every possible tacky Christmas figurine and decoration that they can... and then eat up half the bloody National Grid to light them all up!

You know the ones I mean... they add something new every year just in case there's not enough tack there already - and it's a pretty fair bet their house will be visible from space with all the light pollution emanating from it... and it costs them the national debt of a small country just to keep the whole thing lit.

I work for one of them...

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 6th

Men... It's Christmas Day... you've got your fingers crossed for that DVD you've been dropping hints for for AGES / a Wii / one of those really fancy shavers / an iPod / whatever...

What do you get? Socks! Socks! Socks! And yet more Socks!

The (B)Advent Calendar - Dec 5th

One of those presents that we women get at least once in our lifetimes... usually from a desperate hubby / boyfriend who has left his Christmas shopping 'til Christmas Eve, and decides to avoid the busy shopping centres, instead going for the nearest service station or down the local market...

It is, of course, the industrial-sized bottle of cheap / knock-off perfume... You know the stuff - "Channel No. 5"... smells like an incontinent musk-ox with a urine infection, brings you out in a rash, and dissolves your dressing table paintwork faster than acid... but hubby will expect you to be ever so pleased - and will give you those puppy-dog eyes if you don't wear it.

So what do you do? Of course, you try the same excuse you use for Granny and her jumpers...

"Darling, it's so lovely... I want to keep it for special occasions..."

Except, be warned, this time he's got an answer for you...

"But I bought the big bottle specially! There's loads!"