This Isn't Fucking Funny Anymore!

Not that my life has been funny for a long time, but at the moment it is going down the toilet fast!

Let's see, some of the pertinent events for the last week and a half:

Sep. 4th - My auntie dies, and my bankruptcy is approved.

Around about the same date, I get a cheque for my share of Dad's estate... which (as I've already mentioned) will now go straight to my Trustees as part of my sequestration.

I've also discovered today that as soon as my bank is officially informed of my bankruptcy, my account will be frozen, and I won't be able to get another bank account (not even one without an overdraft)... Fine - except my wages are paid directly into my bank account! So, some day I'm going to go to the cash machine, and it will swallow my card and say "No, you can't have any money"... and what about my rent which is paid by standing order? No bank account, no standing order...

My bank have told me that I can get my wages paid into someone else's account, and there is someone who will let me do that, but what if my Trustees see that as me being "dishonest"? As it is, I don't know how much of my wages I'm going to get to keep!

Then there's my "assets"... Anything that is deemed a "luxury" can be taken and sold. I don't own property or a car or anything high value, but I don't know how far down the line they're going to go!

On the up-side, they won't take anything that's not mine, and the computer I've got at home is actually my brother's... and it's not exactly state-of-the-art anyway... I don't imagine it would raise too much money in a Warrant Sale!

And that was the final kick in the teeth last night... I had been playing Spider Solitaire, trying to take my mind off the shittness of my life, and then I went off to wash my hair. Was bent over the sink, and suddenly was aware I could hear a high-pitched sort of wail. Once I got my hair rinsed, I went to investigate, and there was my monitor... no power light, black screen, and making a really, really horrible high-pitched "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound! And, of course, now I'm bankrupt I can't replace it! Even if I could afford to buy one, it would be repossessed. My only hope is to see if my brother has one I can borrow to go with the borrowed computer, or to see if the Orkney branch of Freecycle has anyone with one that they're giving away.

And then today I had a visit to the nurse with my leg (for which I'm back on anti-biotics) and they tell me that, if it doesn't start to improve soon, they'll start looking at a compression bandage because it looks like the blood supply isn't good enough for the tissue to heal itself. And compression bandages make it harder to get shoes on... Oh, joy(!)

And yesterday I got a phonecall to say that there had possibly been a sighting of my cat (that's a month she's been missing now). Not too far away from me. Headed up there a couple of times, but no sign.

So, I don't know what I've done in a previous life to deserve this, but it must have been really, really bad.

A Plea To My Blog Readers...

... even if you don't know me and have only stumbled on to this page by accident...

Between the 4th and 12th of August I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, because my friend Viki from Hungary came over for a visit. Now, we've been in touch with each other by email and MSN for 2 years, after meeting on Cyberfriends... and, after meeting her, I no longer consider her a friend - She's my sister... much more so than my real sisters, who probably don't care if I'm alive or dead.

And, since she left on Wednesday morning, I've gone back to being more miserable than I've ever felt before... The house is so empty, that I've taken to turning on the computer and iTunes as soon as I come home, and I leave the radio on all night, just so there's another voice here with me. Up until Dad went into hospital, I'd never lived alone before - There was always someone there to speak to. Now, there's no point opening my mouth and talking aloud, because I'm the only person here to hear it.

And Viki's not happy in Hungary either... She's an English teacher, and loves the English language, and is desperate to come here to live.

So, here is the plea...

Please pray to whatever Higher Power you worship that things will fall into place to allow her to come here as soon as is humanly possible, so she can start looking for work. She does have plans, but they're dependent on banks and her current employer and things like that, so there's a lot of potential for "No".

I just want to have her here. Someone to laugh with, someone to sit and watch a DVD with (it's no fun watching TV alone, because there's no one there to laugh at funny bits with, or to discuss plot twists with), someone to make it worth coming home...

If it turns out she can't come, then I'm going to be gutted. I don't want to go back to being alone again...

So please pray...

Reasons To Be Sorrowful... 1.. 2.. 3...

1. As aforementioned, this morning I waved Viki off at the airport as she made her way - her LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way - back to Hungary... wondering when I'll see her again without a webcam and being at the mercy of my MSN which keeps crashing, and her speakers which keep squealing and crackling until they have to be turned off, meaning she can't hear me.

2. Back to work and the idiot Flunky today. And did he cut me some slack since I was upset? Did he fuck!

3. Between saying goodbye to my Hunsis, and returning to the Hell Hole that is my workplace, I went along the Citizens' Advice Bureau and started my bankruptcy application.

Actually, there are more than 3 reasons... mainly tied in with my best friend leaving...

After work tonight I had to go to Tesco to get cat food... and as I walked round, I was so aware that last time I had been in there was with Viki and we had been having fun laughing at our Tesco and theirs (did you know that Tesco in Hungary sells cock rings!?) - and now I was back to miserably pushing a trolley around and thinking I couldn't buy certain things because they'd be gone off by the time I used them myself.

Stayed at work until about 7pm, because I didn't want to come home.

As I was walking about the street this morning before I came back to work, I kept thinking that just yesterday I'd been laughing and browsing in those same shops with Viki. Was in Trenabies on the way up to work to get a takeaway coffee, and the table we'd usually sat at when we had our lunch in there most days was free... but I couldn't bear to sit in. And even my latte didn't taste so good without someone (ahham) stealing glomps of it despite having her own double espresso every day!

And since coming home tonight I've had iTunes playing, and it's really been taking the piss out of me... either playing those songs that Viki had been playing on top volume while she was here (it's on shuffle, and the bastard thing has thousands of songs to choose from... so why does it keep picking Queen? And "Barbie Girl" was the real nail in the coffin). Or picking songs that remind me how alone I am...

"Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?" (yes, I have brown eyes)
"Everybody Hurts"
"Over The Hills And Far Away"
"The Deepest Blues Are Black"
"Walkaway"
"The Power Of Goodbye"
and, currently, "There Is Always Something There To Remind Me" by The Beautiful South.

Bastarding iTunes!

In the week or so that Viki was here, and for a couple of weeks before, I never took my anti-depressants... never needed them... never felt down... But today I felt the temptation to vent my frustrations in the old way for the first time in ages. But I didn't... and I won't...

Instead I'm going to go to bed and cry.

Urgh!

Oh, god... I forgot about this... how you feel for the first week or so (especially the first day) of taking ADs - or how the particular ones I take affect me, anyway...

Was okay when I got up, and took my 2 little white pills before I went to work - and within about an hour of being there, I felt like shit. I felt sick - to the point that I couldn't chat to customers, because I could feel my throat tighten, and I knew if I tried to say anything I would retch... I wouldn't actually be sick, but that impulse was there. And I felt kind of heavy-headed... like my brain was made of porridge, and someone was stirring the pot. And I was a bit kind of "bleurgh"...

Made a cup of coffee about 11o'clock, and I felt a bit better after that... I guess the caffeine must have stimulated something that needed stimulated (steady!), and the feeling of nausea lessened.

Am feeling okay now, but then I've got the same thing to go through tomorrow morning... and every morning until some of whatever is lacking builds up in my brain (don't say "cells"! cheeky buggers!).

Right, time to go to bed now... after I've stuck something between my lips and had a good sook... *
















*It's my inhaler, you dirty-minded lot!

Doctor! Doctor!

I feel like a pair of curtains...

"Well, pull yourself together then!"

Today I finally did something that I only ever do if I REALLY have to... I went to the doctor...

I started taking my anti-depressants more erratically around August last year, and I've probably not taken any at all since October. I kidded myself that I wasn't doing any better with them, and wasn't doing any worse without them... so it didn't matter if I took them or not. But the simple fact is that even though I say I'm "fine", most days I'm not. I'm not sleeping, and when I do sleep, I waken up just as tired in the morning. I can't concentrate at college, I don't have any energy, and if I was in my proper mindset, I wouldn't have had a major panic during that simulation I had to do a couple of weeks ago.

And I've still got a cough and tightness of breath, that seems to have been around for months... And I've been advised to get a letter from my doctor to help me get a house transfer quicker, coz the doctor can say that such a big house with poor heating is not good for my chest, or my depression.

Well, I finished college a bit early today and along I went to see my doctor, having phoned for an appointment this morning. And didn't I really time it badly? As of Monday this week, my doctor's practice is (for some reason that we weren't informed of) being looked after by the other practice that shares the Health Centre... so I couldn't see MY doctor - instead, I had a foreign doctor who doesn't know me from Eve, and didn't seem to have my full notes with her.

So, after a long explanation, I left with 2 inhalers for asthma (although I don't think she's convinced of my doctor's diagnosis... she was going on about indigestion and acid irritating your throat - well, possibly, but that doesn't explain the tightness I have trying to breathe when I DON'T have indigestion) and my anti-depressants back again.

And then she told me I had to speak to my OWN doctor about getting a letter... which is all very well, except they're uncontactable for 3 months. So I asked at reception, and one of the LOCAL doctors spoke to me... asked a few questions, and was going to write a letter, no problem at all.

Came from the Doc's... got my prescriptions from the chemist (£20.55!), and then off to the shop for the rest of the day.

So, there I am - officially "ill"...

In the shop tomorrow, Friday, Saturday and Monday... and probably most of the rest of next week...

'k Off, Cough...

Aaargh... isn't it fucking typical? The night before I have to sit in a quiet room with 4 or 5 other students for 5 god-damn hours and concentrate on a simulation for my accounting course... and the night before I go out two nights in a row (coz I've got a much-needed day off on Saturday, and I finish my simulation tomorrow at 2pm, so that's like a half day) to get pissed and actually have a social life for the first time in something like a year... I get a fucking cough!

This is the chesty cough I usually get just before Christmas... just a bit later this year. Every time I go from a warm place to a cold place, or a cold place to the warm, or try to talk to someone, or exert myself in any way, or laugh, or when I get up in the morning - I cough to the point where I'm almost sick and I can't breathe properly. But I will not go to the doctor, or he'll ask how I got on with the inhaler he gave me, and I'll have to confess that it didn't help at all because I couldn't get into a routine of when to use it - and I'll have to confess that I haven't had a happy pill in fuck knows how long because they didn't do me any good (at least, I didn't notice any difference even when I hadn't been taking them for 2 months).

So I've got a bottle of cough medicine, and we'll see how that goes.

As my mum said so often - "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in..."