What's Wrong With Me!!!???

Woke up this morning at 7am, with the sun streaming in the window, not feeling sleepy and crabbit as I usually am... Got up and let the cats out (they blotted their copybooks yesterday by peeing TWICE on the floor, but we think that was just a hint that their litter tray was needing cleaned), and didn't go back to sleep, for a change.

Instead, I listened to some music on the computer for a wee while, then got dressed and ready for work. Left the house about quarter past 8 (normally I'm not even up then), and walked (yes, that's right... WALKED) to work... with a brief detour past my favourite coffeeshop for a caramel latte to sup on the way. It was so beautiful walking out along the seafront, watching gulls, ducks and 8 or 9 swans on the Peedie Sea on the other side of me.

Arrived at work almost on the dot of 9am, feeling refreshed, happy and not at all tired. It would be nice if this would stay with me, but I suspect it won't. Tomorrow morning I am sure I will waken up all knackered and grumpy, and it will be a last-minute rush to get to work in time by taxi.

God, it's a beautiful day today! Hope it's nice and sunny too where you are.

This Isn't Fucking Funny Anymore!

Not that my life has been funny for a long time, but at the moment it is going down the toilet fast!

Let's see, some of the pertinent events for the last week and a half:

Sep. 4th - My auntie dies, and my bankruptcy is approved.

Around about the same date, I get a cheque for my share of Dad's estate... which (as I've already mentioned) will now go straight to my Trustees as part of my sequestration.

I've also discovered today that as soon as my bank is officially informed of my bankruptcy, my account will be frozen, and I won't be able to get another bank account (not even one without an overdraft)... Fine - except my wages are paid directly into my bank account! So, some day I'm going to go to the cash machine, and it will swallow my card and say "No, you can't have any money"... and what about my rent which is paid by standing order? No bank account, no standing order...

My bank have told me that I can get my wages paid into someone else's account, and there is someone who will let me do that, but what if my Trustees see that as me being "dishonest"? As it is, I don't know how much of my wages I'm going to get to keep!

Then there's my "assets"... Anything that is deemed a "luxury" can be taken and sold. I don't own property or a car or anything high value, but I don't know how far down the line they're going to go!

On the up-side, they won't take anything that's not mine, and the computer I've got at home is actually my brother's... and it's not exactly state-of-the-art anyway... I don't imagine it would raise too much money in a Warrant Sale!

And that was the final kick in the teeth last night... I had been playing Spider Solitaire, trying to take my mind off the shittness of my life, and then I went off to wash my hair. Was bent over the sink, and suddenly was aware I could hear a high-pitched sort of wail. Once I got my hair rinsed, I went to investigate, and there was my monitor... no power light, black screen, and making a really, really horrible high-pitched "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound! And, of course, now I'm bankrupt I can't replace it! Even if I could afford to buy one, it would be repossessed. My only hope is to see if my brother has one I can borrow to go with the borrowed computer, or to see if the Orkney branch of Freecycle has anyone with one that they're giving away.

And then today I had a visit to the nurse with my leg (for which I'm back on anti-biotics) and they tell me that, if it doesn't start to improve soon, they'll start looking at a compression bandage because it looks like the blood supply isn't good enough for the tissue to heal itself. And compression bandages make it harder to get shoes on... Oh, joy(!)

And yesterday I got a phonecall to say that there had possibly been a sighting of my cat (that's a month she's been missing now). Not too far away from me. Headed up there a couple of times, but no sign.

So, I don't know what I've done in a previous life to deserve this, but it must have been really, really bad.

Thank You, Blog Readers!

At least something in my life is going right at the moment... and I have to thank you for your part in it!

Do you remember my plea from last week?

http://allybally6873.blogspot.com/2008/08/plea-to-my-blog-readers.html

Well, today I got the email I've been waiting for... Viki got a "Yes" from one of the banks, and SHE'S COMING! SOON!

I'm so excited... I just can't wait!

And now another plea... Pray that when she does come, she'll get a job.

A Plea To My Blog Readers...

... even if you don't know me and have only stumbled on to this page by accident...

Between the 4th and 12th of August I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, because my friend Viki from Hungary came over for a visit. Now, we've been in touch with each other by email and MSN for 2 years, after meeting on Cyberfriends... and, after meeting her, I no longer consider her a friend - She's my sister... much more so than my real sisters, who probably don't care if I'm alive or dead.

And, since she left on Wednesday morning, I've gone back to being more miserable than I've ever felt before... The house is so empty, that I've taken to turning on the computer and iTunes as soon as I come home, and I leave the radio on all night, just so there's another voice here with me. Up until Dad went into hospital, I'd never lived alone before - There was always someone there to speak to. Now, there's no point opening my mouth and talking aloud, because I'm the only person here to hear it.

And Viki's not happy in Hungary either... She's an English teacher, and loves the English language, and is desperate to come here to live.

So, here is the plea...

Please pray to whatever Higher Power you worship that things will fall into place to allow her to come here as soon as is humanly possible, so she can start looking for work. She does have plans, but they're dependent on banks and her current employer and things like that, so there's a lot of potential for "No".

I just want to have her here. Someone to laugh with, someone to sit and watch a DVD with (it's no fun watching TV alone, because there's no one there to laugh at funny bits with, or to discuss plot twists with), someone to make it worth coming home...

If it turns out she can't come, then I'm going to be gutted. I don't want to go back to being alone again...

So please pray...

That's It, Life...

You just keep right on kicking me!

Walking home past my brother's tonight I spotted a familiar sight... and a text from him just confirmed it...

"Your hire car is back parked outside the house..."

On Monday, we hired a car for the day, and David drove us around to see some of the sights... And tonight same rust-coloured (not rusty, just reddy-orange) Nissan Micra is parked outside his house... no doubt hired by some tourist who is staying at the hotel next door to him.

And flicking through iTunes just now, I came upon "Minority" by Green Day... one of the songs that Viki turned up loud and bounced around the living room to.

To quote the great philosopher Monty Python...

"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it"

Reasons To Be Sorrowful... 1.. 2.. 3...

1. As aforementioned, this morning I waved Viki off at the airport as she made her way - her LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG way - back to Hungary... wondering when I'll see her again without a webcam and being at the mercy of my MSN which keeps crashing, and her speakers which keep squealing and crackling until they have to be turned off, meaning she can't hear me.

2. Back to work and the idiot Flunky today. And did he cut me some slack since I was upset? Did he fuck!

3. Between saying goodbye to my Hunsis, and returning to the Hell Hole that is my workplace, I went along the Citizens' Advice Bureau and started my bankruptcy application.

Actually, there are more than 3 reasons... mainly tied in with my best friend leaving...

After work tonight I had to go to Tesco to get cat food... and as I walked round, I was so aware that last time I had been in there was with Viki and we had been having fun laughing at our Tesco and theirs (did you know that Tesco in Hungary sells cock rings!?) - and now I was back to miserably pushing a trolley around and thinking I couldn't buy certain things because they'd be gone off by the time I used them myself.

Stayed at work until about 7pm, because I didn't want to come home.

As I was walking about the street this morning before I came back to work, I kept thinking that just yesterday I'd been laughing and browsing in those same shops with Viki. Was in Trenabies on the way up to work to get a takeaway coffee, and the table we'd usually sat at when we had our lunch in there most days was free... but I couldn't bear to sit in. And even my latte didn't taste so good without someone (ahham) stealing glomps of it despite having her own double espresso every day!

And since coming home tonight I've had iTunes playing, and it's really been taking the piss out of me... either playing those songs that Viki had been playing on top volume while she was here (it's on shuffle, and the bastard thing has thousands of songs to choose from... so why does it keep picking Queen? And "Barbie Girl" was the real nail in the coffin). Or picking songs that remind me how alone I am...

"Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue?" (yes, I have brown eyes)
"Everybody Hurts"
"Over The Hills And Far Away"
"The Deepest Blues Are Black"
"Walkaway"
"The Power Of Goodbye"
and, currently, "There Is Always Something There To Remind Me" by The Beautiful South.

Bastarding iTunes!

In the week or so that Viki was here, and for a couple of weeks before, I never took my anti-depressants... never needed them... never felt down... But today I felt the temptation to vent my frustrations in the old way for the first time in ages. But I didn't... and I won't...

Instead I'm going to go to bed and cry.

Alone Again, Naturally...

It's 9:45am on Wednesday the 13th of August, and I've just waved my Hunsis, Viki, off at the airport about 8o'clock after what has been the best 8 days of my life.

I've spent a long time convincing myself that I don't need friends, that I'm okay with my own company (me and the cats), that I don't miss having someone around the house... but I do, I'm not, and I do...

Ever since first Mum died, and then Dad wound up in hospital and subsequently died, I've kidded myself on that I'm happy enough to come back to my little house after work and listen to music or play spider solitaire on the computer... but I had forgotten how good it is to have a friend to listen to music with, or to watch a DVD with, or just to talk to and laugh with. I've never flat-shared with people my own age, but I really want to now... so I'm desperately hoping that Viki will decide that she loved Orkney so much that she wants to move here permanently.

But now, I'm going to put on a brave face, go get a coffee, and go back to work to face Flunky once again (boss is away again - this is going to be a regular occurrence now... two weeks here, two weeks not... fun and games(!))... Before coming home tonight to my sad, empty house, and my sad, empty life.

Puszikak, Viki... Szeretlek...

Oh, What Jolly Fun(!)

Friday, Saturday and today we've been stock-taking... and for the first time ever, I've been involved in the actual counting of stuff in the electrical store here, rather than just entering figures on the computer whilst everyone else counted.

Well, since there's only 3 of us this year, I've had to count as well. This wasn't so bad on Friday, because I got to count the showroom upstairs... which is mostly boxed electrical goods, and light fittings, and is easy enough to count...

But then Saturday I got moved downstairs, and had to count things that I hadn't a clue what they were... sometimes had no stock codes written on them... could have been the wrong thing in the wrong box for all I know... could have been incomplete... and that went on today as well.

Add to that the fact that my lack of knowledge was being taken the piss out of, that everything was filthy, and that - because I hadn't a clue what I was doing - I wasn't in the best frame of mind anyway.... and you can see that I've had a great weekend!

Oh, and it's been a beautiful day today, and I've been stuck inside when all the rest of the country has this thing called a Bank Holiday!

Grrrrrrr!

Urgh!

Oh, god... I forgot about this... how you feel for the first week or so (especially the first day) of taking ADs - or how the particular ones I take affect me, anyway...

Was okay when I got up, and took my 2 little white pills before I went to work - and within about an hour of being there, I felt like shit. I felt sick - to the point that I couldn't chat to customers, because I could feel my throat tighten, and I knew if I tried to say anything I would retch... I wouldn't actually be sick, but that impulse was there. And I felt kind of heavy-headed... like my brain was made of porridge, and someone was stirring the pot. And I was a bit kind of "bleurgh"...

Made a cup of coffee about 11o'clock, and I felt a bit better after that... I guess the caffeine must have stimulated something that needed stimulated (steady!), and the feeling of nausea lessened.

Am feeling okay now, but then I've got the same thing to go through tomorrow morning... and every morning until some of whatever is lacking builds up in my brain (don't say "cells"! cheeky buggers!).

Right, time to go to bed now... after I've stuck something between my lips and had a good sook... *
















*It's my inhaler, you dirty-minded lot!

Thick As Pig Shit...

That's me.

My simulation started today at 9:30am - and I was out of the room by 11:30am, having failed to complete even one of the eleven tasks... I started 2 or 3 of them, but I couldn't even concentrate on the questions - I just got in a total panic, and you had 2 books (one for questions, one for your answers), and it kept saying things like "Refer to pg x of your answer book, pgs yy - zz of your question book, and write your answer on pg a of your answer book" - and I couldn't even remember what bloody task I was supposed to be doing!

You were allowed to go to the toilet, so I went about 11am to see if I could take some deep breaths and calm myself down... but it just wasn't going to happen. So I flunked it and walked.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I get to grips with things? Why can't I just focus and concentrate? Is there any point in me going on with this course?

When I get the results of my December exam back next week, and when I've failed it (as I know I have), I'm giving serious thought to giving up on Level 3 (which I'm doing now) and re-enrolling in June to do Level 2.

Lovesick?

No, just sick of love!

Look, people, this...

is NOT a heart! THIS...

is a heart!

It's a lump of muscle that pumps your blood around your body... it doesn't think... it doesn't "love"... it just sits there going "dum, dum... dum, dum..." until one day it doesn't go "dum, dum..." anymore, and that's you pushing up daisies!

So why are so many of you buying into this commercialism and one day of sickeningly sweet cards and teddies and flowers and shit like that?

Of all the pointless holidays we have, Valentines Day is probably the most pointless... For the last month and a half, the shops have been full of things reminding us that if you really, really love your partner (if you have one), then on this one particular day, you should spend massive amounts of money on tat to show it! The other 364 days of the year, you can feel free to ignore, abuse, or take them for granted as much as you like.

I've spent the whole afternoon in the shop today while person after person came in wanting "a sheet of red card, please" - and you just know it was to make a Valentines card. *Insert vomit sound effect*

Then you hear on the radio about all the people who have been dumped today - the day BEFORE Valentines Day - or people who are having a real dilemma because they've agreed with their partner that they won't get each other anything... and they're all upset because they really wanted a tacky card... or they're frightened that their partner is going to go against their "pact" and they'll waken up to a card tomorrow morning, when they haven't bought one coz they were being obedient! This, of course, would be disaster because it would mean that their partner was one up on them, and obviously loved them more...

Then there are the sad singletons (and, yes, I'm single) who measure their self-worth in Hallmark envelopes and are made to feel like lepers because they've got no tacky cards in the post.

For god's sake, can't you just quietly do your couple thing every day and not shout it from the rooftops on one day of the year? What would you do if you never quietly told your "other half" (god, how that term makes me want to vomit! Aren't you a whole person in yourself?) how much you "wuv" them, and they were knocked down in a road accident on February 13th!?

Every damn type of shop is pushing hearts down our throats, and some of them are so blatantly cynical attempts to part us with our cash - no longer is Valentines Day a holiday for jewellery shops, florists and card shops... No, now butchers (celebrate with steak), bakers (heart-shaped biscuits), and DIY shops (buy your loved one a drill) are cashing in on it!

Okay, rant over...

Stand Out Of The Way!

There's a handcart with my life on coming through - destination, Hell!

For a start, the two major problems I mentioned at work are still a couple of weeks away from a resolution (maybe longer), and the boss is away this week.

Then there's the fact that my exam results are due in a couple of weeks, and in about a week & a half I've got a 5 hour simulation to sit for the unit I sat the exam in... and I still can't do it. And the simulation is worse than the exam, because you've got to show that you are competent in EVERYTHING we studied for that exam - and that forms the vocational, work-based part of the qualification. And in June I've still got to sit a simulation for the other unit (the one I miraculously passed the exam in last June). Then there's the unit we're doing now, which has no exam, but still has a vocational element to be done for my portfolio. I think if I'd known what this qualification was going to entail, and how difficult it was going to be, I'd never have started it.

Then there's the fact that I couldn't watch "Reaper" tonight because for the last 2 nights, and now tonight as well, I've had no picture on my TV - only sound. I don't know what's wrong with it (well, I do - it's a SHARP, and I've never had a good SHARP appliance yet... but it was cheap, and all we had in stock at work at the time, and our previous TV had died completely so we needed a new one like immediately), but when you turn it on first (or switch it from standby, since I don't ever turn it off completely anymore due to its little problem) the sound comes on fine, but the screen stays black... and then for the first few weeks, it would come on itself after anything from 10 minutes to 3 hours. And then I found that if I gave it a tap on the top, it made the picture come on... but the last 2 nights I have battered seven shades of shit out of it and nothing... nada... zip... diddley squat... bugger all - you get the picture (except, of course, a picture is just what you DON'T get). So I've got to wait until I get someone to take the TV I've got in my bedroom (which is kind of a spare) downstairs and connect it all up to the Sky dish and everything to see if it works, coz there's no way I can even think about buying a new TV at the moment, or for the foreseeable future.

And this damn computer's not running brilliantly tonight... It's a bit slow switching between applications and windows, and IE's crashed once already.

What next? I ask myself (but quietly, just in case fate or the gods are listening and decide to show me just what surprises they've got up their sleeves for me).

I think I'll go bugger off now and find a rock to hide under for a few months...

Today's Been Okay, Actually...

I was down in the shop all day, which usually renders me stressed out, irritated, and wanting to curl up in a corner and cry every time the shop bell rings... but today was actually pretty good - The kind of day when all the customers want something easy, and it just comes naturally to me to have a laugh with them (hard as you may find to believe it, but this charming, witty personality I have doesn't come naturally to me - I'm really very shy and hate making conversation with folk because I don't think I've got anything to offer... It's different with you lot, coz I'm not really talking to you - I'm just sat here watching verbal squits coming out my fingertips all over the keyboard).

I was in the cafe having my lunch (on time for a change today), and I couldn't see them, but there were some folk in there with a baby... probably about 10 months old or so, and he (I saw it was a he as they went out) was presumably being played some kind of game with to keep him amused... and the cafe was filled with that really infectious "heeheeheeheeheehee" laugh that babies have - you know the one I mean? And I just couldn't stop smiling - and that carried on the rest of the afternoon every time I remembered it.

Well, that's about all, I guess... so I'm offski.

Night, night....

I Made It!

I survived my first day back at work since Saturday 29th December... but it was a struggle.

For a start, I was so afraid I would sleep in that I woke up sometime after 3am, then again about 5am, then I lay and sort of half-slept until about half past 6... at which point I gave up trying to get any more sleep and watched cartoons instead.

Then, when I ventured outside to wait for my taxi, it was to a hard frost, and the council workmen making ready to start digging up the road outside again (they've stuck silly pavements at weird angles in the roadway outside to try and slow traffic - which took them about a bloody month before Christmas, and I thought they were finished... but, no, they're back again).

Work was busy... down in the bloody shop all day - I'll be so glad when we get a replacement for our ex-shopgirl. At least I'll be up in the office for the morning part of tomorrow, because I've got to do the wages - but I expect I'll be back down serving the masses in the afternoon.

Came home to a line of cones, and a trench dug across the road, meaning you can't get a car within about 50 yards of the place... and it was frosty again... and it will be again tomorrow morning - It's going to be a miracle if I get to the taxi without landing on my erse!

Also came home to a poor cat who'd been closed out all last night, and today... Harriet didn't come home last night, and she's obviously got used to me being home all day, because she didn't realise she had to be in before 9am if she wanted in before I went to work. Poor mog... but she should learn from her mistake for tomorrow morning, if she happens to venture out tonight.

Well, that's about all from my day. Has life returned to normal for everyone else, then?

The Last Post

Before I go back to work tomorrow, that is. My last post as a free woman, before I get slapped in irons and become a slave once again. God, it's a depressing thought.

And my plan for today fell through... We've had to delay the balloon release until next Sunday for the last reason you would expect in January in Orkney - because there wasn't ENOUGH wind! I mean, usually there's gales blowing like crazy - but today, when we wanted a bit of wind, there's been sun and hardly a bloody breath of wind!

So, both the meetings with friends I was looking forward to over the holidays fell flat on their arses. An ex-workmate was due to be coming home for a few days over New Year, and we were going to meet for a drink, but she had to call it off as well.

Well, I'm going to bugger off now and throw together a meatloaf for my tea. Then I'll see if there's anything exciting on telly, before going to sleep... full of dread and foreboding for tomorrow (my alarms are already set).

Catch you tomorrow (if I survive)...

I RUDDY GIVE UP!

I've just spent a while creating a post with music vids for you, but my stupid computer's running really slow, and has crashed twice, so I give up trying to post it for tonight. It's too fucking cold to sit up here much longer, so I'm going to get under my blanket and try to ignore the fact that Monday is coming looming ahead on the near horizon. It's amazing how easily all that stress and depression has ploomped down on my shoulders again. I just need to think "I've only got one day before I'm back to work", and I want to cry.

I've had a really restful week... no visitors... only really saw my brother... just being a hermit with the cats. I've slept when I wanted to - even if that meant lying in til lunchtime and then napping again around teatime, and then being awake in the wee small hours of the morning.

I've watched crap telly... and just rested.

Tomorrow is going to be probably the most social I've been all week - I'm meeting a friend, and we're going to a local beach to release some balloons in memory of a friend of ours who died of cancer a couple of years ago. Her birthday would have been on Thursday 3rd January and, even though she didn't live here, and she hadn't been up for a year or so before she died, I miss her. Thursday wasn't a great day for me.

Oh, both New Year's Day Ba's went up as well - Bastards!

So, I think that's all my news - I'll say "Cheerio", go and fill a bottle, get under my blanket, watch "Casualty", hope and pray I've won the Lottery... and then cry a while for holidays gone all too quick...

I Can't Keep It In Any Longer...

I'VE HAD A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BUSY DAY... I'M WORKING TOMORROW FROM 12 - 4pm WITH MORE PEOPLE STILL BUYING BLOODY CHRISTMAS STUFF - COME ON, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP SOMETIME!!! JUST HOW FECKING LAST MINUTE CAN YOU MAKE LAST MINUTE?

I'M WORKING CHRISTMAS EVE UP TIL 3pm, AND I'M SICK TO BLOODY DEATH OF THIS FESTIVE CRAP... I JUST WANT IT OVER, SO THAT LIFE CAN GET BACK TO NORMAL, WITH NO MORE ENFORCED CHEERINESS AND PRATS IN SANTA HATS AND BITS OF TINSEL TIED ROUND THEIR PONYTAILS!

THE WORST THING IS THAT EVEN AFTER TUESDAY'S OVER, THERE'S STILL THE BLOODY SALES TO COME... AND SCREEDS OF ADVERTS ALL ADVERTISING "CHEAP" SOFAS AND PACKAGE HOLIDAY DEALS TO TEMPT YOU INTO EVEN MORE DEBT...

HIBERNATING CREATURES HAVE THE RIGHT IDEA... JUST SLEEP UNTIL FEBRUARY.

Right, vent over... now, calm...

At this point I'm going to bugger off and watch something on telly with a pizza, and then sleep until I have to get up tomorrow to work.

I really hate this time of year... not just because of unhappy memories associated with it, but it gets dark so early... and it's bloody freezing coz we're stuck in the middle of a really cold snap. I can hardly feel my fingers as I'm typing...

Right, now I'm going downstairs to where at least there's a peedie heater on warming the room ready for me...

3 Days In Hell - Day 1...

And so it starts....

It is 8am, I've just arrived at work (an hour earlier than usual), and I'm here all alone for the next 3 days.

Boss and Flunky are both away 'til Monday meaning I've got to man the phones, deal with customers who expect to speak to someone who knows absolutely everything about wiring, put up with sarcastic sparkies who'll hang around just to take the piss... and I won't get any lunch break or chance to escape the place until 5pm.

It was dark when I came in... It's still only getting light now... I'm tired... I want to cry... I want to go home... and I just know I'm going to have all those customers grumping because there's no one technical here, and the light they ordered 3 months ago still isn't here yet...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Why Yesterday Was So Shit...

Well, the morning was bad enough... I was feeling shit still after the exam the day before, and I kept getting emails from the tutor and students saying "Well, how did you get on?" - which I just ignored.

Then dinnertime came and I was dispatched down to the shop because there was a "difficult" photocopying job come in, and I'm the only person who can cope with doing it (despite the fact there are step-by-ruddy-step instructions on the wall behind the photocopier... bloody hell, it's only to make some A4 pages into an A5 booklet - it's not rocket science).

Shopgirl came back after her lunch, but I didn't get away right away because it was busy.

Anyway, finally got away for my lunch, and that's when things went from bad to worse...

I dashed around doing some shopping, and got a gingerbread latte to take back up with me, then waited for a taxi - and it was POURING with rain... and the taxi took 15 minutes to arrive... and then I had to get the taxi to stop halfway up the road, because the lid came off my latte and it poured out into the paper carrier bag and all over my lap... burning me and leaving me stinking of coffee and gingerbread... and all I could do was chuck what was left in the cup out of the taxi.

So, I arrived at work soaking wet, my trousers hot and sticking to me, and in a mood that can be best described as foul (well, could actually be better described as about ready to throw myself in front of the nearest bus) - and I didn't take the boss' greeting of a sarcastic "Good afternoon" in the best of humour... which led to me getting a serious bollocking for shouting at him when I came back late... And I was late, he said, because he phoned the shop at 2:25 and I wasn't there. I couldn't argue, because I wasn't sure what time I'd left.

But, hey, he only made me apologise like 6 times... and the rest of the afternoon passed in a stony silence.

Can I Ask You A Personal Question?

Do you cry easily?

I ask because I was at the counsellor tonight, and she started probing some feelings... and I happened to look at the clock, which she took as a "get me out of here, before I start to cry" signal on my part (it wasn't), and started to tell me it was okay, that I could cry there...

But I can't... not in front of someone... not even on my own... It's like they're locked away...

I'm the closest I've been to crying tonight that I've been for a while, though... because we were talking about Dad, and I realised that I miss him so much... he was my support, and always believed in me... he always told me I was good at writing and stuff... and I miss that...