Just Call Me Red Adair!

"Whooooooooooooooooooo?", I hear you cry...

Red Adair

And then I hear you cry "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"... Well, pull up a comfy seat and I'll tell you about this morning's near-death-experience...

It all started as Viki was making Sunday breakfast as normal... her afore-mentioned wicked scrambled eggs, crumpets and (for the first time, since it was on offer in Tesco) smoked trout, with fresh orange juice...

I was in the sitting room, getting the table ready, when Viki came flying through from the kitchen, in a total panic, having temporarily lost her normally brilliant grasp of English (for those of you who haven't read my blog before, Viki is my Hungarian flatmate)... all I could make out was:

"Sorry... micro... fire... really!"

So I dashed into the kitchen, expecting there to be nothing more than something smoking a bit...

But, no, sure enough... there was an orange glow coming from inside the microwave (the door was slightly open, so at least it wasn't still going)... clearly flames!

Opened the door and found the culprit... a tub of butter (well, by this time it was half a tub, and half a melted, burning pool of butter and plastic). Wearing proper protective gear (oven gloves), I grabbed the turntable from the microwave and ran out the back door with it (thank god it was raining... and thank god I was dressed by this time). Viki chucked a jug of water over it, and the fire was out.

It turns out that, not unusually, she had put the hard butter in the microwave to soften it a bit before spreading on the crumpets... and when she does this, she sets the timer for a minute (being one of those horrible knob timers, not a fancy digital one), but takes the butter out after about 10 or 20 seconds, nicely softened...

This time, however, she decided she would start to open the smoked trout while the butter was softening... and the silver paint or whatever on a tub of Lurpack Lighter Spreadable must have been too much for the poor microwave to cope with!



Emergency over, I found a tiny bit of real butter left in the fridge (so we could still have our crumpets), and we had our breakfast.

Microwave survived (albeit a little bit blackened inside til I cleaned it out), the breakfast was delicious (as usual), and the cats eventually calmed down.

If this was Viki's plan to not have to make breakfast again, I hate to disappoint her... I WILL let her cook in my kitchen again - just maybe I'll supervise her next time!

In The Same (Gravy) Boat...

As an update to last night's "cooking" post, and in reply to my latest Guestbook signing (thanks, Orkneyman) - er, no... Viki tells me she can't cook either!

Oh, well... at least the takeaways and ready meals companies will profit... and expect Rennies' market value to go through the roof...

P.S. I think the fudge has nearly worked this time... it was almost set when I sampled a bit out of the corner last night, and it was a bit "gritty" and crumbly, but maybe by tonight it will be set a bit harder... I'll eat it, but I don't think I'll be offering this batch around.

Poor Viki...

Now it's just about a week until she arrives, her flight is booked and paid for, she's given up her job, told her landlord she's leaving... basically, now it's too late for her to change her mind... I feel I can let her know some of what she's letting herself in for sharing a house with me for longer than a week when I'm not being on my best behaviour!

I'll reveal some over the next few days, starting with...

Er... I'm a not terribly good cook!

Tonight I've had another go making fudge (my third attempt... with a different recipe), and it was fraught with hassles...

I started off with it in too small a pot - and before I even got the condensed milk added, it had boiled over on to the cooker, so I had to transfer it into a bigger pot (transferring the tatties and cauliflower that was in it into a smaller pot - and, yes, I did wash the bigger pot before I put the fudge into it!)

Then there was Minnie the cat driving me crazy as I was trying to "stir continuously for 15 minutes", wanting food, and water, and god knows what else the little pain in the neck wanted!

Then - and this is a valuable lesson - after you've scraped the pot, and all the fudge is in the baking tray... DON'T LICK THE SPOON... not even with the very tip of your tongue - coz it's fucking hot!

And once I got it done (and I still don't know if it's worked or not), I made my dinner... the tatties & cauliflower I stuck in a dish, covered with cheese sauce (out of a packet, and that was almost a disaster too, because I didn't use enough milk to start with, and it went like cement, until I added a stack more milk and stirred like buggery), and then grated cheese, and then stuck it in the oven... but it wasn't the "potato and cauliflower cheese bake" that I had envisaged in my mind... and I fried a couple of pork supremes... except when I put one on my plate, and cut it in half, it was just short of being cooked right through - so I chopped them up, stuck them back in the pan, and gave them another blast until they were closer to burnt!

Plus the bloody things were sparking all over me, and the cat was going demented because she wanted one... and I was hot, stressed, and getting burnt by pinpricks of hot oil... and expecting the smoke detector to go off at any moment!

So, first bit of advice for Viki... bring plenty of indigestion tablets! Or, become chief cook, and I'll be bottle washer!

Aw, Fudge!

Did you know that evaporated milk and condensed milk aren't the same thing?

I didn't!

Why is this startling fact important? Well, if you try to make fudge with evaporated milk, it doesn't work! As I discovered tonight after purchasing the following in an attempt to make fudge:

A pot (a nice shiny, new pot)
A little baking tray thing for the fudge to cool in
A set of 2 spatulas - 1 wooden, 1 wooden with a rubber spatula bit
Butter (unsalted)
Sugar (soft brown)
EVAPORATED milk (big tin)

Listed my ingredients on a forum I was on, and someone replied saying "Evaporated milk? I thought it had to be condensed?"

Checked up... and discovered that evaporated and condensed milks were NOT just the same thing with a slightly different name. So my batch of what was basically fudge sauce, because it wouldn't set, was poured down the loo.

My brother was heading out to Tesco tonight, so I got a run there with him, and returned with:

CONDENSED milk (big tin)
and Sugar (soft brown Fair Trade)

ready for Fudge MkII (I still had some butter left).

Not checked it in a while, but I fear that this time we might have gone past Fudge, and veered into Toffee territory...

The really annoying thing is when I think how many bars of Orkney Fudge I could have bought for the money it's cost me to try to make a few bits!

Maybe from now on I'll leave the culinary things to the Delia Smiths of this world? I just wanted to do something fun and a bit different to take my mind off today!

Just Chillin'

That's what the bottle of wine I bought to have (it IS only a baby bottle!) while I have my tea is doing just now... and that's why I'm killing time here in the meantime...

Was in the shop working today - it was kinda average... not busy, not quiet... just steady. The weather's been really odd today - sunny periods, and then real belters of rainy, sleety showers, so we did get some folk in when they were on.

Then a visit down to see my brother, and then home, via the supermarket... where I have reached new levels of laziness... I like hot pancakes, and I thought I was being really lazy buying those bottles of pancake mix that you add milk to and shake before cooking, instead of making proper pancake batter... but I've gone a step further...

Tonight I bought a packet of (oh, the shame) Auntie Betty's FROZEN pancakes! Bung them in the microwave for a minute or so, and Robert's your mother's brother!

I'll tell you the morn if they're any good.

And now I'm offski coz my wine should be sufficiently cold, and I'm going to stick my fajitas in the oven, and settle down to watch at least a bit of the dvd of the BBC adaptation of "Jane Eyre" that I bought cheap from Woolies earlier (watched it when it was on, and loved it... and the actor that played Rochester is pretty damned hot!).

Oh, and going to check if I'm a millionaire on the Lottery. If not, I'll probably see you tomorrow... If you haven't heard from me by this time next week, I'll be sunning myself on my private yacht somewhere that's a damn sight hotter than Orkney!

Food - The Photographic Evidence...

I've just cleared out the photos from my phone, including these 3:

Last Sunday's Pancakes - The Alien One...

One Of The Good Ones - Pre-Flip...
Wednesday's Soup...

And The Nobel Prize Goes To...

Me! For the pot of soup I made on Wednesday night!

It was (imho) the very best pot of soup ever made in the history of soup-making, and was indeed worthy of some honour...

I would love to share the recipe with you, but there's a small technical hitch... I didn't actually have a recipe!

All I can tell you is what went in it...

A couple of salmon fillets (yep, posh soup!), tatties, carrots, a parsnip I had lurking in the fridge, a couple of mushrooms, onion, leek... all boiled for a while in vegetable stock (no salt added... none needed)...

Then, when the vegetables had softened, I scooped them out of the pot, into another pot, and got the tattie chapper in among them (I don't own a blender) - mashed them all down, and then cupped them back into the vegetable stock.

Result - Grade A soup!

Tossing Or Turning...

Pancakes, that is!

Friday night when I was shopping, I bought a bottle of pancake mix - deciding I would make pancakes for the very first time on Sunday...

So, yesterday my kitchen became like an episode of "Can't Cook, Won't Cook", as I made up the pancake batter (open bottle, add milk to the line, put lid back on, and shake bottle like buggery for a minute), and then began the actual cooking of them - which kind of went like so:

1st Pancake - Too much oil, too much batter, not hot enough pan... pancake was anaemic, thick, heavy, greasy, and generally foul - and took 2 fishslice things just to turn the damn thing (coz there was no way I was going to attempt tossing them)...

So I turned up the pan, and didn't add more oil (pancake 1 had drunk up all the oil in the pan), and:

2nd Pancake - Not bad, but wasn't nice and round... In fact, was kind of alien-shaped...

3rd Pancake - Getting better... but still too peelie-wallie (pale)...

4th & 5th Pancakes - Bit like 3rd, but a little bit more colour... Not big like a proper pancake though - but I'd learned to pour the mixture in the MIDDLE of the pan... That way it spread out evenly, and I got nice round pancakes.

6th & Final Pancake - Cracked it! One almost perfect, round, golden, full-sized, thin, gorgeous pancake - Which I ate with lemon curd and squirty cream!

So, how about you lot? Can you cook the perfect pancake?

And, most importantly, are you a flipper or a tosser?

The Last Post

Before I go back to work tomorrow, that is. My last post as a free woman, before I get slapped in irons and become a slave once again. God, it's a depressing thought.

And my plan for today fell through... We've had to delay the balloon release until next Sunday for the last reason you would expect in January in Orkney - because there wasn't ENOUGH wind! I mean, usually there's gales blowing like crazy - but today, when we wanted a bit of wind, there's been sun and hardly a bloody breath of wind!

So, both the meetings with friends I was looking forward to over the holidays fell flat on their arses. An ex-workmate was due to be coming home for a few days over New Year, and we were going to meet for a drink, but she had to call it off as well.

Well, I'm going to bugger off now and throw together a meatloaf for my tea. Then I'll see if there's anything exciting on telly, before going to sleep... full of dread and foreboding for tomorrow (my alarms are already set).

Catch you tomorrow (if I survive)...

Since My Last Visit...

Christmas Eve...

I was working in the shop til 3pm, which was busier than I expected it to be. Really, can't you shoppers get everything organised so you're not still trying to buy presents & stuff at the VERY - LAST - MINUTE - POSSIBLE? (That said, my brother & I did dash to the supermarket 10 minutes before they closed). I did a little bit of experimental cooking, in that I made meatloaf for the first time - spicing it up a little by adding a packet of apricot & nut stuffing mix. It turned out okay, but it would have been better if I'd got steak mince (but there was none left in the supermarket 10 minutes before closing time, funnily enough). Oh - Jilly (if you still read my blog occasionally) - I've had another hot water bottle disaster! The cheap one I bought a month ago (remember, the second one I had to buy because the first one didn't let enough heat through?) sprung a leak at the neck overnight... so I've had to go and buy ANOTHER one (not £3 this time), and the cheap one is in the bin! :^(

Christmas Day...

Watched "Noel's Christmas Presents" in the morning (which made me cry). Did the rounds visiting with my brother in the afternoon - went to see our Auntie and then to visit our sister & brother-in-law - before going back to my brother's for a yummy Christmas dinner. Didn't watch much on telly, only "Doctor Who" (which was hmm... okay... but not THAT "special" a Christmas Special) - was it just me, or was there really a lot of crap on TV this year? Thanks to Scott & Julie and Nev for their presents - Nev, the calendars will be well displayed, and Scott & Julie, I'll try not to kill the crocus bulbs...

Boxing Day...

Erm... I slept. Watched a little bit of telly, had a couple of slices of meatloaf, and slept a lot.

Today...

Back at work, but only til 4pm (erm, except it's now 20 to 5, and I'm still at the office... but I'm buggering off now).

Ta-ra!

Saturday Night - Today: The Abridged Version...

Saturday Night - Watched "Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" (not bad... not as good as the original, but Alan Rickman was good as the voice of Marvin the android), but decided to have a chuck-in-the-microwave chinese thing instead of the pizza.

Sunday - Made a pot of bolognaise sauce to re-heat for Monday/Tuesday (although I may have made a little too much, since I'm only finishing it tonight... if I can face spag bol for the 3rd day in a row). Watched telly.

Monday - Boss away, not sure where.

Tuesday - Boss still away, still not sure where... but there's still money in our account, so he's probably not done a runner. Counsellor tonight... not sure how much it's really helping at the moment, but I'll persist with it. Woke up this morning with damp feet - stupid hot water bottle was leaking, so I had to dash after work and buy a new one.

Today - College... something like 3 weeks until the exam, and I'm in major panic mode. I just can't get stuff to stick in my brain. Boss back - complete with explanation of where he'd been (taking his daughter away to a concert).

Going home in a blink for my spaghetti bolognaise (urk... I should have frozen it on Sunday).

God, It's Been A Week...

Yep, it's been a week since I've really written anything me-related... mainly because there's nothing exciting me-related happening right now... I'm severely skint, as this debt-repayment thing I've signed up to has started, and it's really starting to bite already.

I did manage to get rid of the first installment of furniture from Mum & Dad's rooms... their beds are gone to the dump, along with a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, and a pile of other crap... old stools, a trolley thing... you get the idea...

Sunday I cooked... chicken korma (brown chicken, bung in a jar of korma sauce, bish, bash, bosh), and yesterday I made mince & tatties (in the same pot).

Work's boring still... I've got news there though, but I can't tell you in case someone in Orkney reads this... it's not official yet, so I can't say anything...

And I guess that's about it... I'm cold (too skint to have the heating on for long... I'm already running the meter on the emergency credit 'til payday on Thursday), I'm tired (walked to work this morning, coz I had to go and see someone on the way, and walked down to the counsellor tonight), and I'm fed up... so generally, I'm not real good company at the moment...

"Mirror, mirror on the wall... who is the grumpiest bugger of all?"

Stupid Fecking Computer!!!!

I've just spent the last 2 hours trying to get my "Cheese" post formatted and posted, but my stupid f***ing heap of crap is "low on virtual memory" and is generally driving me crazy coz it won't do anything properly, and keeps "Not Responding"!

So, no cheese til I can sneak a chance to do it at work... but I hopefully can tell you one or two things I forgot earlier (shit... yesterday)...

No college tomorrow (today, but you know what I mean) - School holidays.

Then there was my catering disaster tonight (yesterday) - I bought myself an apple turnover, and decided I'd have it hot... so I stuck it in the oven - not really sure what heat I should put it on at, or for how long... so when I came back to it, it was absolutely charcoal black - so no turnover for me!

After that, there was my other irritating event... I lifted my cardigan off the bench to put it on - not aware that I'd set it down on top of a box of cotton buds... which fell off the bench and scattered on the floor! Oh, how I swore!

Right... I'm definitely buggering off to bed now... without trying the "Cheese" post again... It will have to wait.

Hello, Bloggy Peeps!

How the hell are you?

Me? I'm so-so... Work's work, life's life (na, na, na-na-na... no, sorry... that's LIVE is life)...

What's there to tell you of the last few days? Not a lot really. I did some more cooking on Sunday - another batch of soup (which wasn't as good as the first lot... maybe down to the few brussel sprouts that I chopped up and stuck in) and a pot of mince that I ate the last of tonight. My soup, however, I'm fed up with, so I'm going to freeze the 8 gallons that's left (erm, I kind of made too much) for another day... or 6.

And that's about it... Sunday was very lazy. Lounged around and spent most of the day shoving cats off me coz they wouldn't leave me alone! Honestly, it's nice to be loved, but sometimes it's nice not to be quite so smothered by them... I closed my eyes briefly at one stage, and was suddenly aware of Minnie licking my forehead! Yuck!

And that really is it now, so I'll bugger off and think about some more 80's cheese to plant for Julie to see in the morning...

And On The Seventh Day...

... She made soup, and She tasted it... and lo, it was good soup... and there was enough for the 8th, 9th and probably 10th days as well...

Yep... Sunday I made soup... a big pot of lentil & bacon soup with loads of carrots, lots of neep, a couple of parsnips, a bit of red & orange peppers, and some spring onions... and it's pretty good - even if I do say so myself... but the problem is next time I try to make it, it could taste foul, coz I follow my Mum's method of soup-making... which is to chuck a pile of stuff in it, and if it ends up too thin, add some more stuff and boil a bit longer... and if it ends too thick, then add some more water! Thankfully, this time it ended up neither too thin or too thick... although I did have to top up the water at one stage...

So, what else did I do with my weekend? Well, I worked Saturday, then watched some crap on telly at night. And Sunday, I vegged out with Harriet the cat, watching TV (I could become addicted to "Cirque De Celebrite", it has to be said... High camp, or what?)

And that was my weekend...

Sniffle... Sniffle... (gulp)... It's Okay... I'm Fine... Really...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! *Sniff*

Sorry... I've just watched episode one of the second series of "Ugly Betty" on Channel 4... and there was a bit near the end that was just so sad... and I blubbed! If you watched it too, you know the bit... *blush*

Anyway, today at work was shit. I'm up to date with things just now, and I'm really struggling to find things to do some of the time. To top that off, the boss was out quite a bit today, and I was there on my lonesome... either with no one to speak to, or with customers who needed technical advice that I just couldn't provide. The boss was even down at the shop over dinnertime, so I couldn't go out to get any food... and then he came back, and went out again... and then came back... and then buggered off early, leaving me alone again for the last hour, still foodless... and I had a serious chocolate urge!

Shopping tonight... and I'm about to venture into the (largely) unknown... Now, I'm not the world's most confident, or capable, cook... but on Sunday I'm going to make soup. I've only tried it a few times before, but my Mum could make great vegetable soup, and I'm hoping soup-making ability is genetic (a bit like child-bearing hips, I guess). I'll let you know how I get on. I'm going for lentil & bacon, with carrots, neeps (turnips to you foreigners), parsnips and spring onions). I guess that's all you need for soup... and some stock... but if anyone reading this has any tried and tested soup recipes, just let me know! Winter's coming, and I love soup on a cold evening.

Working in the shop tomorrow... Oh, fun(!).

Well, I guess that's about all my news for today.

Catch you around, Bloggers... x