Just Call Me Red Adair!

"Whooooooooooooooooooo?", I hear you cry...

Red Adair

And then I hear you cry "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"... Well, pull up a comfy seat and I'll tell you about this morning's near-death-experience...

It all started as Viki was making Sunday breakfast as normal... her afore-mentioned wicked scrambled eggs, crumpets and (for the first time, since it was on offer in Tesco) smoked trout, with fresh orange juice...

I was in the sitting room, getting the table ready, when Viki came flying through from the kitchen, in a total panic, having temporarily lost her normally brilliant grasp of English (for those of you who haven't read my blog before, Viki is my Hungarian flatmate)... all I could make out was:

"Sorry... micro... fire... really!"

So I dashed into the kitchen, expecting there to be nothing more than something smoking a bit...

But, no, sure enough... there was an orange glow coming from inside the microwave (the door was slightly open, so at least it wasn't still going)... clearly flames!

Opened the door and found the culprit... a tub of butter (well, by this time it was half a tub, and half a melted, burning pool of butter and plastic). Wearing proper protective gear (oven gloves), I grabbed the turntable from the microwave and ran out the back door with it (thank god it was raining... and thank god I was dressed by this time). Viki chucked a jug of water over it, and the fire was out.

It turns out that, not unusually, she had put the hard butter in the microwave to soften it a bit before spreading on the crumpets... and when she does this, she sets the timer for a minute (being one of those horrible knob timers, not a fancy digital one), but takes the butter out after about 10 or 20 seconds, nicely softened...

This time, however, she decided she would start to open the smoked trout while the butter was softening... and the silver paint or whatever on a tub of Lurpack Lighter Spreadable must have been too much for the poor microwave to cope with!



Emergency over, I found a tiny bit of real butter left in the fridge (so we could still have our crumpets), and we had our breakfast.

Microwave survived (albeit a little bit blackened inside til I cleaned it out), the breakfast was delicious (as usual), and the cats eventually calmed down.

If this was Viki's plan to not have to make breakfast again, I hate to disappoint her... I WILL let her cook in my kitchen again - just maybe I'll supervise her next time!

Lobster Carnage

Having a flatmate who works for a local shellfish producer (who just so happens to supply crab and all to the likes of Marks & Spencer ("This is not just any crab...")) has its uses sometimes (especially if, like me (but unlike Viki, which means even more for me), you like crab)...

Like today... when she texted me to inform me that the staff were being offered cheap lobsters and she had bought one... a whole lobster... for - wait for it - £2!!!!

I've never tried lobster before, and neither had she, so we decided we would take it down to my brother... and he could help us get into the thing, and let us know if there were any bits that were poisonous and shouldn't be eaten...

So, after work, he came and got us, and we went by Tesco to get some smoked mackeral (coz the lobster wasn't big enough between 3), and some nice crusty bread... and then down to his for a feast...

Viki had a taste of the claw and tail, but decided it was too much like crab... I had a bit more of the claw and half the tail, and decided that lobster is like most other shellfish for me (I like the good bits, like the claws, but any bits that look like stomach or organs or (as this lobster had) eggs (yeuch!) I will not touch)... and my brother happily got wired into the brown, mushy stuff and the afore-mentioned eggs...

So, here's Nippy before...


and after...

Something Fishie Going On... Part 2...

Nope... decided I don't like the Tesco "Sushi".

Ate the fishie bits, but most of the rice is still here.

Won't be buying it again... certainly not at £3!

Now I'm still hungry...

Something Fishie Going On...

Okay, can someone answer me this?

How can Tesco Sushi be sushi when it declares in small print on the packaging that it "Contains No Raw Fish"?

I've been conned!

(It tastes okay, though... but I opened the wasabi and merely put a pinhead-sized bit on the tip of my tongue... The rest of the sachet went in the bin! Fuck! It's hot!)

Urgh...

Okay... so after our meal last night, I decided (since I had a proper shoe on and looked "normal") that we would go for a drink after all.

Met the person we had arranged to meet, and had a good laugh and a few drinks (maximum 5, I reckon).

But what has happened to me? Gone are the days when I could drink like 9 or 10 Morgans & cokes and still feel okay... After the 5 last night, on the way home, I had a brief moment when I thought "Oh, my god... I'm going to barf" (sorry if you're eating your breakfast) and this morning I'm here at work clutching a coffee and wishing I was still in bed... and it's just half past 9... I've got a long way to go yet.

Bought a Tesco Medium Fish Sushi Selection yesterday to take to work with me today because, a couple of years ago when I was in Aberdeen, I tried a similar thing from M&S, and really quite liked it. Now contemplating having it for breakfast and wondering if that's a good idea or not in my condition...

Live By The Sword(fish)...

Die By The Evil Little Fuckwits We Saw Last Night.

First, a recommendation... tonight we tried swordfish for the first time ever, and it is absolutely delicious!

Bought 2 steaks (cost just under a tenner for 2 bits, but they were good big steaks) from our local fishmonger today as a treat, as we've been making the most of the bonny evenings this last week or so, and have been out runs with my brother... so we hadn't really had a relaxed evening at home since last week sometime.

Baked them in the oven for half an hour or so... very simply... didn't even add salt or pepper, and had them with cauliflower & cheese sauce, and potatoes. And they were so good... like tuna, but not quite so "meaty"... more "fishy" flavoured (if that makes any sense), and not quite so firm as tuna. And had a glass of wine with them.

Really... try swordfish if you ever see it in your fish shop... you won't regret it.

Oh, and we made the fatal error of giving each of the cats just a tiny bit to try it... and they really rather liked it, thank you very much! But if they think that we're going to start feeding them swordfish instead of Felix cat food and cat biscuits, they've got another think coming!

And then on to my other fishy story... which is a bit of a rant...

Last night was quite bonny, so Viki, my brother & I bought some chips and drove out to Scapa pier to eat them.

When we got there, there were 6 or 7 "kids" (14 - 15 year olds) fishing for mackeral off the pier... and they were catching a few. But it was what they were doing once they caught them that made me and Viki feel so mad...

When they landed a fish, they got it off the hook and then, instead of either:

1. killing it cleanly and humanely so that they could take it home to eat

or

2. removing the hook without hurting the fish too much, and then letting it go again

which are the only 2 acceptable things to do, they left the poor thing flapping around on the pier for ages, kicking them, half standing on them, throwing them at each other, "fencing" with them, and hitting them with bits of wood (but not a clean blow to kill them).

Then, when the poor fish must have been dead, one of the boys jumped into the sea, and some of the others were throwing the fish at him. What's the point in throwing them back into the sea when you've tortured them to the point that they are dead?

My brother was out of the car, and we were hoping that he'd go and give them a skelp, but he didn't seem to see the situation the same way we did.

I wonder how the little thugs would like if someone did that to them?

I'm not a vegetarian, and I eat fish, but there are ways to kill your food... and that wasn't right.

Urgh....

more animals

It's half past 8, I've been at work half an hour, but I'm really not awake yet... not until the coffee that I'm surgically attached to starts to kick in.

Yesterday was the girl in the office upstair's last day before she starts her new job, and a few of their firm were going out for drinks and something to eat... and I was asked along too. I'd debated for days whether to go or not, thinking:

1. I don't really feel like socialising at the moment.
2. But it's probably going to be my last chance for a while, coz I'm going to be too skint.
3. The fact I don't feel like socialising is precisely the reason I should, or else I'll turn into a recluse, too embarrassed to face people.
4. She's a good friend.
5. I've got to work at 8am Saturday (today).
6. I don't have to drink (aye, right(!)) and I can leave early.

So, at about half past 5 last night (they were meeting sometime about 6 or half 6), I found myself getting ready and heading out.

And it was a good night... I was disciplined and only had 3 (maybe 4, I can't remember) drinks, and about 6 or 7 of us went for an Indian. Was home by about half past 10, leaving the rest of them heading off to another pub.

Had an early night, but didn't get to sleep that easily because my leg was a bit sore. Got up at half past one and took a couple of pain-killers, and that seemed to help, because the next I knew was quarter past 6 and the first of my 7 alarms going off.

However, I'm far more tired and "bleurgh" (it is an accepted medical condition) than usual after 3 drinks. Maybe it's the new antibiotics I've just started taking for my leg? (The ones I was put on last week did a bit of good, but the bugs I've got are resistant to them). Hence the coffee... and the bottle of Lucozade for later.

I hope there aren't many customers wanting anything complicated today, considering my head is full of cotton wool at the moment... and might not improve for a few hours.

The Rant Spot

Two things (apart from having to work) that are hacking me off this morning:

1. Our tinpot local radio station has just played that bloody sickening "Kissed A Girl" song. How the fuck did that get to number one? I'll tell you how... By cynically catering to the Spotty 15-year-old Boy and Dirty Old Man markets, that's how!

What do you do? You get a song that hints at a bit of girl-on-girl action, and then you make a "girly sleepover party" video... complete with opening shots of Katy Perry, half-naked on a bed, stroking her pussy(cat)!

And what do you get? You get every testosterone-filled, sexually-frustrated, spotty herbert 15-year-old boy and dirty old man downloading the video as a wank-aid! And you get a number one hit with a song that is crap!

2. Philadelphia Splendips... Why is it, no matter how you try to be careful to take not too little and not too much of the "dip" bits per "thing to be dipped", you always end up with one of two situations:

- No dipping things left, and still enough dip for at least another 2 goes!
- Half a dozen dipping things left, and no dip!

Today was the former, so I was sat here sucking Philly off my fingers so as not to waste it! Mind you, I've got another one for lunchtime, so what's the bets the latter option happens when I go to have it? I should have kept that wee grain!

And another thing... why are the little dip sections such a stupid shape? (For those of you not familiar with this snack product, they're a kind of "rounded" triangle shape). The ones I had today were the "Nachos" ones, and the corn chips are triangular shaped... and you can't get the fucking things right into the corners of the dip pots, no matter how hard you try!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Something For The Weekend?

Yes, several things:

1. A pizza for tonight.
2. A bottle of cheap (and probably horrid) sangria.
3. "Casualty" on telly tonight.
4. "Takin' Over The Asylum" to watch on DVD, starring Ken Stott & David Tennant.
5. "The Colour Of Magic" (Part One) to watch tomorrow night on Sky One - starring the delectable Tim Curry.
6. Two cats to cuddle... and feed... and let out... and let in... and let out... and get followed to the loo by (does anyone else have cats that do that?). I can't go to the toilet by myself - doesn't matter how carefully I try to sneak away when they're not looking... I'll be sat on the loo, and I hear a sound like elephants stampeding, and there they are!
7. A box of Thorntons chocolates instead of an Easter Egg.
8. Cheese Doritos and Sour Cream Dip.
9. A hot water bottle.
10. "Hollyoaks" omnibus tomorrow morning.

That should keep me going, I think.

Oh, well... work's nearly over. God, it's been boring. I've really missed not being in the shop, down on the street where folk are coming in, and you can people watch all the folk going past the window when it's quiet...

Well, that's a couple of minutes to 5 - so I guess I'll go and lock up and then I can come in and finish this job I'm doing before going home.

Hindsight...

... is always when I'm at my funniest and most creative.

I was sitting at work this morning, when suddenly into my head popped the following thought:

" 'Pills, Chills And Bellyaches' - THAT's what I should have called the post that I unimaginitively called 'Urgh!' on Thursday! That would have been a great title! Damn... why didn't I think of it at the time? "

It's true... I always think of the wittiest things to say when it's far too late, and the moment's long gone. If I could time travel, I'd be a real hoot, trust me!

Anyway, I've just come online to do the birthday spot, and blurb a bit about my day (which wasn't much to write home about), while my chocolate beer (yeah... not sure about that one either) is chilling in the fridge. It's now quarter past 9, and any minute now the alarm on my phone is going to go to tell me "Guilty Pleasures" is coming on ITV in 15 minutes - I only caught a trailer for this at my brother's, but it seems to be current "credible" music stars covering old cheese... I'm going to be in Heaven!

No alarm yet... clock on my phone must be slow... or else clock on my computer's fast...

Anyway, I'll potter here for another 5 - 10 mins after the alarm does finally go, and then I'll open my beer and nuke my chicken kor... JESUS! Fucking alarm! I nearly shit myself!

Sorry... as I was saying... I'll nuke my chicken korma, and then I've got a bit of Orkney Fudge Cheesecake for pud. What more do you need on a Saturday night?

Oh - I meant to tell you what was the high point of my day in the shop yesterday... It was taking 2 boxes of 1000 paperclips, and making them into 20 bags of paperclips! And, yes, the customers did give me abuse about doing it - one even asking if I was on piece rate for doing it!

Right, 20 past 9, and I'm going to format this and then bugger off.

See ya!

This Is A Steak Out!

Last night, after a long and boring day in the shop, I went out with a couple of lasses to a hotel in Stromness (Orkney's 2nd town), where one of the hotels was having a "Steak Night" - where you could have anything off the menu, so long as it was dead cow.

Anyway, drove through there and arrived just after 8pm (table booked for 8o'clock). Were shown to our table in the bar - thinking it was a good job we had booked, because the carnivores were out in force and the place was heaving!

We had a drink and waited 15 minutes or so for them to come and take our order... and then waited, and waited, and waited... and then waited some more... before finally (at about 9:20pm), our food arrived.

Now, it was good... steak was a little chewier than I expected a really good cooked steak to be... but it had a good sauce, chips were good, the haggis topping was delicious...

But we discovered (by being told by another customer) what the delay had been - Believe it or not, the hotel had run out of steak! Presumably an emergency call was made to the butcher (either that, or they went hunting for any feral cats in the area)... but you would have thought they'd make sure there were enough to cover bookings and, if steaks were getting short, they'd start telling people who'd just turned up that, sorry, they were fully booked? Wouldn't you?

Came back through to Kirkwall after that, and had a few drinks before the pubs shut.

Feeling better this Sunday than last weekend.

Buggering off now to watch "Dancing On Ice", and hoping Greg Rusedski will be skating out of it this week...

Sitting At My Desk...

... chewing my nuts.

BRAZIL nuts, that is... I'm not THAT flexible (nor am I a hermaphrodite)!

Oh, and not your chocolate-covered ones either, Nev - They're better suited for private chewing... ;^D

It's a slow day today - and the weather's not helping...

EDIT - 20 minutes later...

I've just had a major choking fit over a piece of Cadbury's Caramel that went down the wrong way.... See, chocolate IS bad for your health!

Reasons...

… to be cheerful – 131 – The number of £’s I won on the lottery on Saturday night… 4 numbers for the first time ever, and a pick 2, match 2 on the Hotpicks.

… to be guilty – 110 – the number of £’s I added to my winnings to buy myself a new phone. It’s a Samsung U600, and it’s fantastic! 3.2 mega-pixel camera, quad band, FM radio, ultra-thin, 2 touch-sensitive soft keys, black, TV output… and more… and I love it!

… to be less guilty – 90 – the number of £’s it was going to cost me to get that stupid, crappy LG Chocolate phone repaired (for the second time in the space of a year) and sent back to me. First time was a warranty job, but they told me it was outside warranty this time. At least my new phone has a full year’s guarantee with it. Now I can fax them and tell them to stick it sideways.

… to be less guilty (again) – 2 – the approx age in years of the Samsung D500 I’m using at the moment, and which is probably overdue to snuff it, even though it’s working fine at the moment.

… to be hacked off – 8 and a half – the time (8:30am) I had to be at work yesterday because boss had to go out, and Flunky was stuck across the Firth coz the boats weren’t running. He got back at half 11 or so in the morning.

… to be less hacked off – 4 and a half – the time (4:30pm) that the boss let me clear off early for being in early.

… to be hacked off again – 1 – the ear I must have got water in washing my hair yesterday morning, and which I’m now deaf in.

… to be afraid, very afraid – 1 – weeks to my exam!

… to be bored – 1 – I’m at work.

… to be hungry – 2 – the sandwiches in my bag that I’ve not had peace to nosh yet. And they’re Red Leicester cheese, which I’ve re-kindled my love affair with, after being unfaithful with a flexible Italian (Mozzarella) for a while.

A Peedie Bit O' Orkney...

The rich, fertile land of Orkney, and the seas surrounding, produce food that's exported all over the world and enjoyed in top restaurants in the UK and much wider afield.

I'll deal with others yet, but start with possibly the oddest - the North Ronaldsay Sheep, which live on the northernmost of Orkney's islands.

"Sheep?" I hear you say, "What can possibly be odd or prized about mutton?"

Well, these sheep are not normal run-of-the-mill, wandering about in fields, sheep... for at least part of the year, they live on the shore around the island, kept there by a 6-foot-high drystane dyke (or wall, for the benefit of those of you who wouldn't know what a drystane dyke was if you tripped over one), and they live on seaweed... which (so I'm told, coz I've never eaten North Ronaldsay lamb or mutton) gives their meat a very distinctive, and much sought after, flavour.

And why do the sheep get shunted on to the shore? Quite simply, North Ronaldsay's not a big island, and good grazing land is at a premium.

The sheep have evolved in several ways to cope with their environment... for instance, instead of eating during the day and ruminating at night, these woolly beasts eat twice a day, at low tide, and digest in between.

Their wool is also highly prized, and lots of products knitted in North Ronaldsay wool are available.